The number 8 - Jim Morrison and I

8^th December, I remember as a date when rock icon Jim Morrison was born. A friend introduced me to his music in college and by jove I fell in love with him. His charisma and magnetism could be felt even after he was long gone only by the sheer angst in his music…

Of course they weren’t all gems. But I took solace in the fact that some of my frenz in college use to call me Jim Morrison. No. Not because of my drop-dead-gorgeous looks or my skip-a-heartbeat voice…but because of my messy hair. Actually more than solace I took pride in that fact. So much so that i would even go about saying like a naïve kid that I was “I am his reincarnated version”. It just sounded so nice. (I guess I changed my belief when he died at the age of 27 and I didn’t lol)

And I also believed I could relate to him cos he is born under number 8. So am I. And as a child, when I was fond of reading numerology, I read that number 8 is the most complex of them all. It has two circles; one good and one evil, both pulling the individual in each direction; the number 8s are attracted to the unknown and mostly go through an internal struggle.

Now I may have imagined my struggles through my life...but now I think they have always been existential really…trying to understand the simple meaning of why I was even born in the first place. Not many would think like this, but call it a coincidence...that mostly people born under 8 do.

I was filling out a form recently which had a column asking for Religion. I just put a question mark next to it. I didn’t understand it. I don’t follow any religion. Just because I was born into one I can’t make it mine. Also I wasn’t sure if I could write ‘spirituality’ as a religion. The point being…in my daily routine…there may be a gazillion instances where I am forced to think why i do what I do. Is there more to it? Was I born in specific circumstances for a reason? Where is all this leading? Why I hate seeing people in pain but don't feel right about helping half of them  

Well I can go on with this gibberish…but it first needs to make clear sense to me…what is this spirituality I refer to? Why do I burden myself with so many unnecessary existential questions that i am sure i have the capability of finding answers to? Surely not because I am born under the number 8…or is it?

Am I writer?

Hmmmmmmm.

No. I think not. A talker maybe…or a conversationalist if you will. And that too only related to things that touch me and not the world (that’s why the blog is called in ‘conversation’ with ‘me’. Plus there was a time that I use to get paid to talk J)

 I was thinking about what happened to this blog that I started oh-so-excitedly. No, the excitement didn’t fizzle. I initiated many pages on the many thoughts…but all were left mid-way. I jumped on to another one without finishing the first as that was more interesting at that point…unless something else came up of course.

The point is…isn’t that exactly what happens within our mind…jumping from one place to another…simultaneously thinking of hundred things at a time…all unfinished tasks thoughts or plans. And the beauty or the scary part is…you’ll never know what lead to the thought you currently have when you started out with something completely different

And that’s exactly what I want to tame. And I have an easy way of measuring it too….my blogging will become more consistent

So until then, I’ll just make do with concentrating on my breathing. Trying to Focus   

Saving a Starfish

I have often thought of myself to be Peter Pan…someone who just didn’t wanna grow up. Simply because ‘growing up’ means more responsibility, more worries, more stress, less chilling…you get the point.

And the thing about marriage is…the more irresponsible you’ve been before it…the more responsibilities befall upon you after. And if that’s not bad enough…you are expected to have kids soon…the king of all responsibilities!

I’ve never wanted to have kids…or so I believed till now (though I must admit it did lack conviction)…simply becoz I felt I was not ready for the responsibility…but then again…are we ever “ready”. Two years into a marriage and I still feel I am not ready lol

Coming back to what stirred the very strong emotions in me (to have or not have my own child is the question my friend). It’s raining like monkeys in Mumbai…and one day, just as I was standing in the downpour waiting for my bus home I thought, “I wish I didn’t have to work during monsoons”. I clutched tightly on to my umbrella…others on the road had raincoats or umbrellas to keep themselves from getting wet…after all…who likes to get drenched unless in the let's-have-fun zone.

There, I saw a sweeper diligently doing his job wearing a raincoat…keeping streets clean for people like us…some who don’t cringe while littering on the road. There was a young kid too, who was picking up the garbage the sweeper was making piles of, and putting it in a large green bin that he was dragging from place to place. Dressed in a torn t shirt and shorts…he only had a bare plastic sheet wrapped around his head to protect him from rain. Clearly he wasn’t really enjoying the oh-so-lovely rain while at work.

And that made me wonder. I thought till I slept that night. We keep working towards having a better life for ourselves…planning where to eat, what car to buy next, buy a house or perhaps a holiday…and when we have achieved that or are tired of chasing our ‘dreams” we start doing the exact same thing for our children – but why really?

I’ve never had a concrete answer to why I don’t want kids…only a lot of philosophical nonsense for when people ask me why. But I do know now.

All I wanted to do at the point of observing that child was…to perhaps give my dreams slightly lesser importance and help that kiddo in some way so he doesn’t atleast has to work while it’s pouring (I don’t even want to start on the ambiguous law on child labour)

Once I achieve even 50 percent of what I intend to personally, I’d rather fund the education of one (or 2 or 3 or 4...)of many such children...try and make an existing life better rather than bring a new one into the world.

It doesn’t matter if anyone agrees with me or not…as long as I can see it clearly. Not a noble thought as some would say…some selfishness in this too. Not a superiority complex as my hubby sometimes calls it…it’s just a feeling that seems right…something that I must do.

After all, as someone once said, and I believe “even if you can save one starfish out of a million…it will mean a million to that one starfish.”

This happens only in Bombay (or Mumbai; trust me it’s the same)

I am terrible with road directions. Unless I have gone on a route 29 times, I will not know it. It is not dyslexia as many would believe…it’s just that I’ve never cared to know it. So last night, after witnessing a group of men rant about how treacherous my company was, I hailed an auto, put on my music and told the autowallah with full confidence “Andheri west chalo (I was in andheri east…listening to our dormant clients vent…don’t even ask!)

Cool breeze, drizzle, night time…soon, I drifted away, lost in my own world…and as usual, didn’t bother to keep track of where I was headed. And sooner, I realized I was lost (again!?) (I’ve been living in this city for 2 years now, and I still haven’t really gotten use to Mumbai’s so-called straight roads). So as this reality dawned upon me, I continued to do what I was doing…pretending that I am fully aware of my whereabouts…but the thoughts in my mind were way out of control…what if he kidnaps me…thankfully I have my umbrella as a weapon; what if it takes me 2 hours to reach home…I won’t get enough sleep; this is a lonely stretch…anything can happen here; I must remember to remember the routes so I remember; blah blah blah.

While I listened to Jim Morrison sing ‘People are strange, when you’re a stranger, faces look ugly, when you’re alone’ (uncanny given the situation) I saw a familiar building. My eyes lit up and I thought in my head “hey…this is where akshu (my partner in everything) n I have come to see a house once!!” I called him immediately…with a petulant tone, he told me where to go and I directed the auto guy accordingly (he has almost given up explaining simple directions to me…sometimes I can’t even explain where I am).

After just a few moments I realized…’Ofcourse I know this route…I have indeed travelled through here, if not 29, but at least 17 times! My confidence was back and how J so much so that I began to direct him…’yaha se left…signal se right’…to reiterate to myself more than him that I am in control of the situation…and I will reach home before any of the imagined demonic things happen to me.

I reached home; The auto fare read 69…I quickly checked on my m-indicator (this cool app on blackberry which tells me auto/taxi fares and a lot else). I asked him “88 hua na” he said quickly, “nahi itna nahi…route lamba ho gaya na”... I was STUNNED. Let me translate and explain. He was telling me that it is his fault that he didn’t know the route! and since we had to take a longer one, I can pay him less!! Now I have come across many honest people…but never have I come across someone who will let go off their money like this. Simply put, not only was he admitting that he was wrong…he also didn’t want the money due!!!! Now this…can happen only in Mumbai

I gave him whatever change I had (around 83 rupees) and I took from him an experience I will never forget.

Think about it. Individually, we all are our own Lokpal bill! Here is a man who works 14 hours a day, lives hand-to-mouth earning barely 20,000 rupees a month, refusing to take extra money that he thinks he doesn’t deserve. And then we have the ultra powerful, ultra rich people, trying to stuff their pockets with a few extra crores, squeezing the life out of the service class.

Dear politicians, shrewd businessmen and the likes…please take inspiration from the one you seek to serve…the all powerful…Common Man.

My First Blog

“So what caste are you?” That’s one question I have always detested.

When I meet someone, how does it matter if I am black, white, yellow, pink, grey, hindu, gujju, brahmin, kshatriya? Isn’t it bad enough that we are waging wars against our neighbouring countries that we also want to create an internal divide?

So every time someone asks me this hateful question “what caste do you belong to?” my reply is simple…“I don’t believe in all this…I am an Indian”. While that sounds very patriotic and makes me feel good, there is another aspect to it which I never understood…unless of course I opened my mind to this learned guy that I know who seems to have an answer for everything (it’s annoying sometimes…but my learning increases manifolds)

So here’s what he said, which made complete sense to me and I will give him credit for making me initiate my very first blog (actually that’s when I delved deeper on the subject and thought it will be worth sharing…plus the fact that I’ve been wanting to write since foreverJ)

We have 2500 years of cultural history behind us which sort of transcends our genes. Yes times are a changing with open minded beings…and it will take a while before people can actually shed their cultural differences…but then again, there is a big possibility that it may not happen at all. Simply because even some of the radicals today are firm believers of caste system…no wonder that the Indian’s who’ve migrated to developed countries are more stringent in preserving their “values” than those who stay back, ape the west…and evolve.

Not digressing much, the idea is, that broadly, there are some 90 castes in India (not counting the sub castes which will easily take this number to 200 +)…and believe it or not….they represent some sort of behavioral aspect in each individual. So if I ask you your caste tomorrow…I am far from judging you for being a miser if you are baniya or being loud if you are a panju but I am actually looking for certain characteristics that come with that caste. For instance why are marwaris better with numbers or why are kshatriyas all about valour and pride?

The fact is, as widely proven, the environment we are born in has a huge impact on our being, the way we think, the way we react, our mannerisms, the way we conduct ourselves, basically the way we are.

And the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Yes I am an aggressive person (quite obvious to most who know me) but I never thought the same for my elder brothers….but once I dug deeper, it indeed was true! The aggressive streak is latent…but by jove it is there. And I would not really like to believe that it has anything to with the Kshatriya/panju clan that our ancestors come from.

Similarly, I analysed some of my closest friends. My best friend had been obsessed with buying a house. Less than 3 months of buying her ‘own’ house, her plans changed. She now wants to go back to living on rent, and sell her house (at a premium of course) to either buy 2 properties or one in a more posh area. No prices for guessing her caste. She is a Sindhi - known for their love of acquiring property. But they are also known to be tight with money and not spend much – and I am more than happy to say that my friend, is very generous J

Another old friend, Sharma or Brahmin. They are a learned lot. They like to read and will be typically more well informed than your other friends. And now that I think of it, back in school, none of us thought that my ‘Sharma’ friend will even pass 12^th grade, let alone be well read. And today, he has indeed lived up to his surname with a successful career….and I…would like to attribute this to sheer hard work still. (skepticism doesn’t die easy)

We joke around for many of my ‘Jat’ friends as those who love getting into a fist fight. Ancestrally, Jats served the Indian army and are known to be fearless, feisty and ready to fight at the drop of a hat…especially for their friends or for what they feel is right – see the connect?

My simple sweet ‘Jain’ friend - her parents certainly blamed me for introducing her to the world outside her home. A night stay at my place meant I was spoiling her….digressing her from her true path. Can’t say that I blame them… Jainism is about spirituality with a strong belief in good karma. They believe in individual purifications…that’s why the many pilgrimages. My contention - a good mix of both worlds never hurt anyone ;)

Need I even mention ‘Patel’ (gujju). Smirk all you want but I don’t wonder anymore about the natural entrepreneurial skills or their finesse with numbers. I asked him once…how are you so bang-on with your hisaab? The response - “it comes naturally to me”.  


This list cannot be complete without my dear dear Ray’s and Sen friends. Highly educated, well groomed, erudite lot (they like using big words), and intrinsically laid back. Media houses are swarming with ‘bongs’ just so that they can sit back and give gyaan to all. But the irony here is…that the amount of energy, effort and running around required by a media house…comes close to fighting a battle. So I am confused by now. 

Not very often will you find people displaying traits outside their community or ethnic groups. 

And I can say that I have learned something positive from each one of my friends (I do believe that ability can also be created). Now the good thing is that I or my better half will not pass this much-complicated caste system on to our children… so maybe it helps start an epidemic for a rapid decline of the caste system as it exists today to a one which enhances our persona. But as the saying goes…never say never.